[POD] 192. When your spouse doesn't share your same health values FINAL AUDIO
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[00:00:00] Welcome back to the Win of Wellness podcast. I'm your host, Elizabeth Dahl, and if you're new here, welcome. I'm so glad to have you here. If you've been here a while, I'm still so glad to have you here. Today. We're gonna be talking about what to do when your spouse or um, members of your household don't share your same health values.
And I wanna talk about creating a culture of health and wellness within our homes. Um. Regardless of different viewpoints and personalities and all of that. So we're gonna be diving into that today. But before I do, I wanna tell you something really exciting. We have a really fun. I guess thing coming up, um, with our Women's Wellness Hub.
So we're gonna have a really fun promotion, um, next week. Pay attention to the podcast and if you're not on our newsletter, make sure you get on our newsletter. I'll put this, uh, link in the show notes below. But we have some really special things coming. We're gonna be, um, doing some really fun things in April, um, and [00:01:00] May.
And we've just got a lot of fun things coming in our. Women's Wellness Hub. Our community is launching, our calls are launching. Everything is, um. Getting really exciting. So I want you to join us. We are here to support you in your health and wellness goals, create healthy habits, and we're gonna have some really fun announcements next week.
So stay tuned to the podcast. Make sure you listen next week. Um, there will be time sensitive things. So, um, listen then, but also I would just recommend making sure that you're on the newsletter so you hear all about it. And we'd love to have you join us in, um, the Women's Wellness Hub. Let's jump into the episode.
Welcome to the Woman of Wellness Podcast, a show dedicated to empowering you to make peace with food. Embrace your body and enjoy the journey to lasting health and wellness. I'm your host, Elizabeth Dahl, a certified exercise physiologist and women's nutrition and behavior coach. Passionate about helping you build sustainable habits, [00:02:00] achieve your goals, and create a lifetime of health without dieting or restriction.
And because women's health is such a multifaceted journey alongside sharing my expertise, I'm bringing you conversations with leading women's health experts to explore the many dimensions of wellness, from nutrition and weight loss to mental health hormones and self care. We'll uncover the tools and strategies you need to create a life of health and balance.
To the woman who's tired of the dieting rollercoaster, who feels disconnected from her body or overwhelmed by food and fitness rules, this is your invitation to make a change to the woman who's ready to achieve food freedom, lose weight in a way that feels good, and discover the true meaning of health.
You are in the right place. It's time to ditch the guilt and shame of diet, culture and embrace a new path to wellness. My friend, you are already a woman of wellness. Your worth is not defined by a number on the scale. You deserve to show up in love for [00:03:00] your body today and every day. Join me each week for inspiring conversations, expert insights and practical strategies to help you discover what your body truly needs.
It's time to reject the lie that help and weight loss have to be hard, painful, or miserable. I'm ready to link arms with you and experience the joy of wellness. Together. Okay. What do you do when your spouse doesn't share the same health values as you? Um, I think this is really an important conversation and it's actually a conversation I.
That is important because I'm living it actually a little bit. Um, and so I thought, I'm gonna start with a story and you guys are gonna get a little sneak peek into my life, as, you know, a health coach and just, just, just my life in the culture, in my home and, and all of that. So I, when I [00:04:00] got married to my husband, his held values were, I.
None. I'm not even really sure what you would call it. And we, um. You know, he, he just didn't have, like, he, he's actually a really, really, really picky eater. He is a worse eater than my kids, which, whatever story for another day, I guess. But I knew these things and I was, you know, studying to be a help coach and a personal trainer and all these things.
And it was little bit, um, conflicting for me when we were dating because. I was starting to see this as a lot of value in my life and I think, you know, he probably was semi agreeing with me because we were dating and, you know, he wanted to end up with me. But, um, also it's just like, it just wasn't a value of his, it just wasn't, and I don't wanna say value in like, I think.[00:05:00]
I think that there's a value of help for a lot of people, but we don't, but certain people don't necessarily value it to the point of doing something about it. And so that was more what it was. It was like, oh, I'm, I just eat whatever I want. And you know, we were in our twenties, so like I. You're young and it didn't really matter and didn't really affect you.
Right? And so anyway, I had this really strong value and he didn't have, didn't really have it. And it was something that I kind of questioned. I was like, well, gosh, this feels like it's gonna be the rest of my life, and if I marry you, then like I'm gonna have to navigate this. And I'm sort of embarrassed to admit that I.
Originally it was like, gosh, I don't know if I wanna do this. Like, this is one thing that would like be really tricky. And there were a couple things that occurred as well. We found out he has, um, like a, a, um, I don't wanna say disease, I don't know what the word is, um, [00:06:00] that causes some, um. Issues with his endurance and his ability to, um, do like hikes and things.
So if you see, I never, we never go on hikes together. Um, we found this out a few years into our marriage, but I knew that there was a struggle there and we, we didn't figure it out until a few years into our marriage anyway. Um, so. I kind of was like, well, what do I do? I love hiking, I love, like, I love doing all these active things.
And I kind of thought a lot about it and it, it sounds silly to say out loud, but it was definitely an important component of the consideration for marriage. Right. And as I was kind of thinking about it, I thought, you know, and, and he has a family history of heart disease and, and, and things that like, if you're not careful, you're gonna be in trouble.
You know? And I thought a lot about it and I. What I realized was that life happens and sometimes we can do all the things to prevent and [00:07:00] something still might happen, right? You may have no predisposition to cancer, but it might happen. And making that decision for me based on like, well, yeah, you have a predisposition to heart disease and you're not doing anything to.
To like fix it or doing anything about it was a big deal in the moment, and it still is, it's still something that we work on. Um, but at the time I just realized, okay, I can't make that a make or break for myself, but I did know that going into that we would have to navigate it. And so anyway, that's a little bit of my story.
And we're still very much navigating it. Do I think we've come very far? No. But what I wanna talk to you about today is hopefully to help you, um, kind of come to peace with it and also start to build some of those shared values, um, together. Okay? So I personally [00:08:00] navigate this on a daily basis. I want you to know if you're, if you're feeling this way, if you're feeling like your spouse, um.
You know, isn't on the same wavelength, or they want to eat all the takeout food or they don't wanna eat the vegetables that you make. Or, I think we could extend this to our household, right? Our kids kids are a little bit different because they're navigating new flavors and, and, and things like that, and their extension spans, and it's just a little bit different.
But it is sometimes really hard to make a nice meal for your family and then have nobody eat it. I get it and sometimes it's hard to motivate kids to move their bodies and you know, depending on also like their age, like as teenagers, like it might get a little bit harder, I don't know. But I really wanna help you navigate creating this culture of health in your home.
And it starts with you. Okay. And if you want to create that culture between you and your spouse or your significant other, or in your home with your whole family, that's what I hope [00:09:00] this, um, this episode will be four. Okay. So I've got five, five steps to navigating, um, when you might feel this way. Okay.
The first thing we have to identify that you and your spouse and those in your household have different identities, different personalities. We are different humans and just like I mentioned before, you know, that was something that I almost had a make or break scenario with. And I'm not saying it's right or wrong, right?
Like if that's, if that was really important, um, there, you know, that's okay. But. I just wanna remind us that this is one particular area. It is a big area and it influences a lot of areas, but it's also really okay to find the good as a whole. And maybe this one area isn't as important to them, but what are those, those [00:10:00] good, good things about them?
And then we can kind of utilize that to help navigate or help. Nudge them toward health. Um, if we understand their identity and their values, right, how do we connect with their values? So first we have to understand that we may be living together in the same, under the same roof, but we are different humans.
We have different identities, right? We have different upbringings, we have different experiences, and these all shape how we feel about. How they all shape our values basically, right? So the value of health is going to be different for everyone. And what you are trying to do is to bring your differences together in collaboration.
Okay? So that's the first thing that I think is really helpful is to recognize they are. Someone else, right? They are their own human. They are their own person. They are allowed to have different thoughts and feelings and and [00:11:00] things than me, and that's what I love about them, and I love these things. And there's just one area of health that I maybe want to collaborate more on.
Okay, how can we bring these different personalities together in this area? The second, you need to be strong in your identity, your vision, and your values. I have learned throughout many, many years, you can only change you. You are only responsible for you. You are only capable of change for yourself. Okay?
So keep that in mind that you need to be strong in your vision. And your values, what is important to you? And it's okay to hold to that value. I think that makes another person very attractive. Don't you agree? When they hold to a particular [00:12:00] value, um, or something that's strong, somebody knows I can rely on them for this.
That's a strong value. I know what to expect. That's a very attractive quality. I guess as long as the value is a good value, right? Um, but you are capable of your own vision and you can be strong in your vision of a woman of wellness. This is what's important to me, and that's. That's what helps me show up for everyone else, right?
That's what helps me show up in other areas of my marriage or in parenthood or anything. You have to learn to create your own boundaries. What are your boundaries? If fitness is important to you, then you may have a conversation with your spouse or your home that says, I exercise at these times and I need [00:13:00] this support because it's a value of mine and, and this is a boundary that I'm going to make.
Or I'm always going to have veggies with dinner. They're always going to be there. They're always going to be available because it's important to me. And I have a really, um, sweet friend who one time reminded me, she's like a few years ahead in motherhood, and she once reminded me when I was kind of frustrated with feeding my kids, she said.
She says, I always remind myself I am not responsible for what my kids eat. I'm just responsible for providing them the options. I thought that's really helpful because I don't have that control over anyone else except me, and I can. I can also show. By example, by holding to my values, right? If you, if your kids or your spouse starts to see that maybe you're feeling better or looking better or have more energy because you're making these choices, that could be a ripple [00:14:00] effect, right?
They might wanna be able to keep up with you. And so that's important to them. And I think that's probably a, a motivator in my home is, um, I, I am. I am a mover. I don't hold still very long, which isn't always the best thing. Okay. I work, I have to work really hard on resting. Um, but, you know, I think that's been a motivator to say, well, I wanna, I wanna kind of keep up with my spouse, right?
I, I wanna, I. Do the things that she's doing or, or, or stay involved. And so I think that's been a little bit of a motivator. I don't know it, it's because I hold to those own values and that's important to me. And I set those boundaries, right? So I, um, you know, set specific boundaries. Like I make most, eh.
Maybe 75% of our meals, gluten-free, sort of dairy free. Um, because that's something that I've been working on for [00:15:00] myself and I've found ways to implement it into my home without sacrificing quality and enjoyment at all of that. Um, and so finding, finding ways, right? A lot of times you. A lot of times you are responsible for what is provided, right?
You're responsible for the teaching. So if you're teaching by example, you're holding to your own boundaries. Hey, this is really important to me. I need to do this. That's being strong in your identity, your vision, and your values. Number three. The hardest one, I think, in any marriage, but we got this, right?
At least we're still learning this. Communicate, communicate and discuss compromises. I want you to, this is like a, I don't even know, a well-known phrase is use I statements, right? This is important to me, or I have. This value, or I want this because [00:16:00] not saying you don't, you don't, you don't. Right? Or you won't or, or anything like that.
Use language like this is important to me because can we find a way so that I can get that gym time in the morning or can we find a way so that we can have healthy meals like that You'll eat too. Can, can we create something where. I don't feel like I'm just making my own separate meal. Can it be done?
Yes. And do I have my times where my kids might want something that they haven't had for a while? Like my kids love, love, love ham and cheese sliders. They have like ham cheese and then those Hawaiian buns and like butter and stuff on top. They love 'em, but they don't sit well with me. I don't love them.
And so sometimes I'll like give 'em to 'em when we're going on a date night or sometimes they'll be like, yeah. You know what, this is great. Um, let's do this tonight and then I'll just make my own thing. It doesn't happen often. Um, I don't have that kind of energy, but, [00:17:00] um, you know, it, it's still okay to compromise.
And so thinking about it in that way can be really helpful. Right? This is important to me. What's important to you? How can we identify some of these shared values? Does your spouse or those in your household share some similar values that actually might. Might demonstrate that health is a value to them, like having energy for life to keep up with the kids, to be outside to travel, right?
Those sorts of things. We can't feel miserable, miserable all the time and do those things, so. Can, can we identify some of those shared values that might bring health in the middle of it? Do you wanna be able to do this Well, yeah. Then these are the habits that we need to have so that we can go do these things, connect the dots.
I like to think of [00:18:00] the dot, you know, my kids have those connect the dots. Games like 1, 2, 3, or A, B, C. And I think that's a really good visual to be like, okay, you know, we're, we're trying to. We're trying to navigate toward a destination of health, and it's gonna take some, like a, a.here and a dot there connecting like, okay, this is, this is what we want and here's what we need to do to work toward that.
Connect those dots between what, like what you want out of life and how that relates to the value of health. Number four, create a culture of health in your home. And depending on how things are received, you can be blunt and say, we're, you know, we're gonna go get some exercise, let's get outside, or, you know, come do a workout video with me or something.
Or you could say, Hey, let's go play football in the backyard, or let's go on a family hike, [00:19:00] or let's go sledding. One of my most favorite things to do with my kids is go sledding. Do you know how much. How exhausting and cardiovascularly intense that is not even the phrase, but how, how much? How much effort and work and cardiovascular strength it takes to go sledding, like to sled down and then to hike up that hill 400 times.
It takes fitness. It takes fitness, and that's a really big value of mine. I love sledding. I don't know if I just like didn't go enough as a kid, or I went a lot and I loved it, but it's like something that I love and if it is snowing, I'll take my kids in a heartbeat And, um. They just, there's just a culture in our home of movement, right?
We get outside as much as we can. We do walks. We um, we walk to school as [00:20:00] often as we can. And it's interesting because my son has always loved that, but my daughter. Has kind of had some pushback. Mom, can we drive? Mom, can we drive? And um, it's been really good to have conversations to say, you know what? I think it'd be really great to walk so that we could then, you know, get our brains working for before school.
Our little body's moving, so we've got some energy for school. Like it would give us a lot of energy and it clears our minds. And I try to teach her, you know, um. Walking actually helps give you some energy for school. And I think it's really good that we walk, you know, and we, we make the efforts to do that.
We wake up just a little bit earlier so that we can walk. Um, we have, we have boundaries of, you know, we have to leave at this time and. So we have that culture of, you know, we try to move our bodies more. We, I always tell my kids like, Hey, look at your plates. Do you have a fruit and a vegetable on there?
You know, have you eaten a fruit and a vegetable today? And can I tell you that the answer is. Not always. Yes. [00:21:00] Okay. So don't, don't paint this picture that like we're just, because I'm teaching these things that they're like always sinking in and they're always doing them. No, but I am creating that culture to say, Hey, you know, let's look for these.
Let's look. Okay, I see your plate. I see you've got some good protein for your body there. And yeah, those chips look yummy. Do you have anything else? Um, you know, what about a fruit vegetable? What, what options? We've got carrots or we've got peppers. Do you want either one of those? Um, we've got apples or grapes.
Like do you want one of those? And just kind of continually kind of teaching. And it's been really fun because actually my daughter is kind of picking up on that and she'll say like, mom, I did this, or Mom, I, I made this choice, or I listened to my body. And it, it's just kind of cool to hear. Um. Them, you know, practicing that, um, and, and building that culture.
And so it might be really helpful to say, how could we build this culture? What do you like to do? [00:22:00] That might be a value of help. That's where the communication comes in. And then bring it together. Bring it in. Maybe something that's really important to you. Like, my husband loves to go out to eat and so, you know, he likes to like get a good meal and, and I would rather go to like.
I, I just, my, I've gotten more sensitive to food as I've gotten older. I guess I must be getting older. Um, and so sometimes like eating out, I'm like, uh, okay. Yeah. That's great. I like, I like the, I like the environment of it, but I would definitely choose a different restaurant than he does. And so, you know, it's helpful that, you know, we do, um, like we don't do that all the time.
I, that would be more of something that he would do, right, is go and like. Go out to eat more. And we've kind of come to this compromise that like maybe once a week we enjoy something, um, like that. And that's kind of compromising in, you [00:23:00] know, this is most of the week we're here. And um, then, you know, we can also find.
I, I don't wanna say enjoyment because I believe in the enjoyment of food always, and I've found enjoyment in food that fuels my body, right? But sometimes that, just like the enjoyment. Of something without feeling like it has to relate to health. You know, sometimes you just want that, um, comfort food or, or whatever.
You, you want to enjoy something. And so we do. Right? Um, and we have, we have that in, in place. We, we have that culture that, you know, most of the time we're making healthy meals and, um, some of the time we go out and eat and have fun and we don't worry about it. We don't think about it. We don't stress about it.
Right. Um, okay, number five. This is really important because I have women that come to me all the time that just say, you [00:24:00] know, I don't have this support in my home. Um, or, you know, me and my spouse aren't on the same page, or I feel like I'm kind of doing it alone. Right. I feel like I'm, I'm working on this alone, or I'm, I'm trying really hard, but maybe my spouse support me, supports me in words, but not so much actions, you know, get some, get support.
In addition. Okay, let me start that over. Get support elsewhere. In addition to the support in at home, right? Your spouse can do so much support and then go find more support with others that have shared values. This is a game changer, and this is the perfect example actually. Why do women have friends? I think women tend to have more friendships than men.
Don't quote me on that. I don't have a scientific study, but from my observations, I think women tend to have more close [00:25:00] knit relationships with other women than men do with men. And um. There's a reason for that. It's because we are able to connect with some shared values as women, as mothers, as wives, right?
Like things like that. And it allows us to communicate. And I remember, um, a long time ago, maybe early on in our marriage, I don't even remember. I was like going to my husband as if he was like my girlfriend, like telling him this and telling him that. And then I would get really frustrated because he like couldn't kind of meet that need.
He couldn't do anything about it. Like it was like, you're no help, right? Have we ever done this? You're no help. And I realized, and someone told me that. You know this, your spouse, your significant other is not there to meet all those needs. They, they physically can't like, but more so like [00:26:00] emotionally, mentally can't.
Sometimes they don't have that capacity. Sometimes they don't have any idea what's going on in your brain. Sometimes they don't know how to meet that energy or anything like that. And I learned that I can't, I don't always need to go to him for everything. There are other. Outlets, other resources that this conversation would be better with a friend or with a therapist, right?
Where it's like, it's not so much keep, it's not so much secret things. It's just like, oh, you can't give me what I need in this conversation. Does this make sense? I hope it's making sense. I realized that he couldn't meet all night. Needs all my emotional needs, all my, um, connection needs, right? He was one piece of it, but we need more.
And that's why you need to get support elsewhere because you need to be surrounded by a community where people understand. Where people are [00:27:00] working toward the same thing. They want those same values and maybe they have a similar situation as you, or they're trying to bring those values into their home, um, or they're, you know, trying to change on their own and they're having a hard time connecting with those values and that identity and actually following through.
You need support elsewhere and that is so valuable. So find a friend or whatever, but here's what I wanna suggest. Get support in our women's wellness hub. That is the place where women come together with a shared value of becoming women, of wellness, of creating healthy habits. And we can also help you with, you know, implementing those habits into your home and into your family, right?
And have these conversations. But you need a place where you feel seen, heard, understood, and supported. And that's why we've created the Women's Wellness Hub. So that's one place. There's other, you are right, you can have a friend, but I was just thinking, this just came to my mind. I remember, you know, when we were first married, I was in, like, [00:28:00] I was in grad school and I was doing a ton of nutrition work.
Um, and. I, this is kind of when the diet cycle, I really struggled because you started to learn more about nutrition as, you know, like the more nu more things you learn about nutrition, you start to be like, that food's bad. That food's good. And I was with a bunch of dieticians and you know, they were eating food and I was like, is that food?
Is that bird food? Is that rabbit food? I don't know what you're eating. Like I, I remember just feeling like that is not food I've ever had before. And I started feeling like. That I'm not supposed to eat that and I'm supposed to eat this. And anyway, that was something that triggered some of those diet behaviors for me.
And I remember, you know, I'd take that back to my husband and I'd be like, well wait, we can't eat, we can't eat this, we can't eat that. We have to eat this. And we'd, I'd do all this stuff and. I'd be like, okay, we need to, we need to stay on track. We need to stay on track, you know? And then it wouldn't matter if he was like, yeah, great, let's stay on track.
If I was like, screw this, we're [00:29:00] going to get ice cream. And he'd be like, yeah, let's go get ice cream. I was like, okay, this is a very supportive, but also you're very supportive, right? Like it's just a funny place of like, he just wanted to be there for me and support me, but also I was like, wait, you are supposed to say no and then I'm supposed to get mad at you because you said no.
It is just so silly. But sometimes we have in our home, you know, our spouse might say they support us, but when Bush comes to shove, it's like more of a verbal support than an actual like follow through support because they don't have some of those same values. Well, that's what the hub is going to do for you is give you that support that says, Hey, let's navigate how to kind of stay on track and stay on the right path.
Um, so we can. Help you get to where you want to go and, and live that lifestyle and not feel like we're the friend that's like, do whatever you want. You know? Like, hey, let's talk about commitment and let's talk about connecting with your body and what is it that you really want, and all that stuff. So anyway, lots [00:30:00] of coaching in there.
I hope you'll join us. Like I said, we've got some really fun things coming next week, so don't join yet. Join next week. Um. Because we've got some special, um, promotions going on, and I really hope this, this was a valuable, um, conversation today. And I would love to know your feedback if you'd like to share it with me on Instagram or respond to an email.
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Um, it's a labor of love for me. I love doing it. I'm grateful that you allow me to, you know, share the programs that I can help on a deeper level. Um, so please go [00:31:00] rate and review. I, it would mean the world to me. Share this episode or your favorite episode with a friend. It would truly mean the world to me.
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