POD Michelle Blais RAW AUDIO
[00:00:00] Okay, welcome back to the podcast. I'm actually looking forward to this episode, not only for me personally, but it's a little bit of a tangent from some of the episodes that we normally do. We talk a lot about health and wellness, um, physical health and wellness, relationship with food and all of that.
And today we're going to be talking a little bit about growth mindset and teaching your kids a growth mindset and having a growth mindset yourself. So I'm really excited to jump into this. I have our guest expert here, Michelle Blais with us. Will you introduce yourself? Thank you so much for being here and tell us a little bit more about what you do and, and all of that.
Yeah, I'm really excited to be here. Elizabeth. My name is Michelle Bley. As you said, I this is my 18th year being an elementary school teacher. And actually, I love it so much. But I actually didn't always want to be an elementary school [00:01:00] teacher. I envisioned myself, I was in school doing my bachelor's degree with a major in psychology, and I envisioned myself getting my Ph.
D. in psychology and, and working with, with kids on that, on that level. And while I was finishing up my bachelor's degree, I started volunteering with With kids in the children's hospital and took some social work courses where we had to write some Reflections on our volunteerism and I actually had a professor come to me and say, you know, Michelle this Might not actually be for you You're these kiddos are like They're your clients.
They're not your, your kids. And, and that kind of sent me on a bit of a self reflection of like, Oh my gosh, I want to help kids. But actually, I don't know if I can take, take all of this on. So I went back to school [00:02:00] for education and I absolutely loved it, elementary education, but this desire to help kids didn't just go away, like to actually help them with things other than academics.
I started to notice huge anxiety in kids in the classroom and just a fear of trying things that were outside of their comfort zone, sort of a shut down if something's a little hard. So I became absolutely obsessed and I went through all of the research, Dr. Carol Dweck's research, and I just began working with experts, learning what I could in order to help these kids.
And fast forward I'm now like the teacher that all of the administrators put all the anxious kids in my class because there's just such huge growth in their confidence with these very specific [00:03:00] strategies. And then most recently, about a year ago, I started my business miss shell mindset, and I have a program called Raising Resilience, which walks the parents through these exact strategies.
So what I found was is children in my class would make huge gains, and then I would see them years later because I'm pretty old by now and they would come back to visit in middle school. And a lot of them had regressed because they get a new teacher the next year and their parents have no clue of these strategies.
So it just became very important to me to share this with the parents. Yeah. I love that. So what would you call yourself a kid's resilience? Coach? Yeah. A child mindset coach. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. Well, one of the things that we, um, [00:04:00] I know a lot of women in this community, I know a lot of them are moms too.
And so I'm really excited to bridge the gap between, um, them and their kids and help them learn that. Let's talk about the moms first. Um, how, where do you start with? parenting of these kids? Or how do you identify that they might need help? Does everybody need help with growth mindset? Like how, how does a parent get started with this?
Right. Well, first of all, there is so much research out there that points to success later in life. 75 percent of predictors of people's success in life, emotional success, physical success comes down to things other than intelligence. And one of those things is grit, perseverance and growth mindset. So I would venture to say every single Parent should [00:05:00] pay some attention and and start incorporating some of these strategies because it really is one of the biggest factors.
And so essentially, the way I like to describe a growth mindset is the ability of someone to Failure happens, things happen, somebody says something about you. It's the ability to not personalize it. And it's the ability to look at what happened and see it as an opportunity. So you can imagine if your kids start learning this when they're younger, and that just becomes the way they see things, you can imagine them growing up and just seizing opportunities.
So, Um, I have so many strategies I could talk about. Um, I'll give you one simple one just that parents can do and it's so easy and, um, that is just adding [00:06:00] the word yet onto yet. Anything that you can't do that your child says they can't do. So just instead of saying, ah, you know what, I'm just not a math person.
I was never good at math, especially multiplication. You could say, you know what? I just haven't learned strategies for multiplication yet. So modeling it, I think so often accidentally with their language, parents just say, ugh, I'm so bad at art, like. Like, go ask your dad for that or, uh, like, I, I just am not a good speller.
So reframing that to say, you know what? I don't have the greatest spelling strategies yet, but I bet if I practiced and listened to some experts, I could improve. I love that. So I think what might be really helpful during this conversation for anyone listening is to think, [00:07:00] okay, how can I apply this to my own self so that I can be an example for my kids?
And then we're going to really talk about, you know, how do we, how do we teach it to our kids? And I want to, I have a question for you. What do parents do? That make you cringe when it comes to teaching their kids in this regard. Oh. Well, first of all, I know every single parent is doing their very, very best, but actually it's something that's really common that I would love to help parents reframe, which is calling your kids smart.
And I know that maybe people are like, stop talking. I do that. Don't say it's wrong. It has the very. The best intentions, the best intentions, however, what it can do is it can put pressure on your child. So if you're like, there's my [00:08:00] smart girl, there's my smart guy, the, the underlying messages My mom or dad, they love me because I'm smart.
And so you can imagine the pressure on them when they go to try something that's new or difficult that's outside of their comfort zone. Because now, the failure, if they don't do it, it's, okay, what does that mean about me? So if my family loves me because I'm smart and I can't do something, what does that mean about me?
And so, um, a way to reframe that instead of making it personal about them, you are so smart, notice things that they're doing when they're working on something hard and comment on that, comment on the process. So, Oh, I love the way when you were working on that math problem [00:09:00] that you didn't just guess. I saw that you were erasing and you were trying different things.
So comment on actually the process of what you see them doing. I love that. Maybe, kind of, tell me if I'm wrong. Helping them. Well, what I was kind of thinking is how do you help them with that identity without those labels, right? I think that's the point is that you're almost giving them that identity and then there's an expectation for the identity So, how do we how do we support them in creating their own identity?
definitely, so So yeah, trying to take away those labels, as you said, so not giving labels or even you're a great athlete, right? That is a label. So setting up a community and, and like, it's not just the kids that are going to go through a transformation. It's, it's going to be you too, as an adult, if this is not the way that, that you grew up.
So I. [00:10:00] I reframed and completely crashed down and rebuilt my own mindset up once I started helping kids with this because I started learning the strategies. So as I was doing it with the kids, I was doing these strategies on myself as well. So one thing is to just set up your household community with an environment of like, Hey, we try things that are outside of our comfort zones.
We don't make things that happen to us to mean about us. So a lot of it comes down to modeling. And so you're going to have to be a little brave. And so, you know, just modeling when something's not working for you, if you're If you're making something and you make a mistake on the recipe, instead of just saying, ugh, I'm never making this again, I guess, you know, I guess this is thrown out, reframe it and say, ugh, look, this [00:11:00] didn't turn out the way I wanted, but look what I learned from this.
Now I know that I need to add. Way less olive oil and I'm going to redo it and I'm going to try again and good thing I learned that because I'll know that for next time. So kind of like not hiding your emotions from your kids and not hiding things that happen to you and avoiding trying to appear perfect in front of them.
They need to see that as adults, we, we fail too and things aren't easy, but Reframe how you see it. Yeah, I love the parallels I'm making in my brain for the women listening and the kids. Because a lot of times, you know, women really struggle with identities. And sometimes we attach to a certain identity because of, Uh, childhood, probably really, we, we attached to certain identities.
Like I was an athlete or I was [00:12:00] this. And then as they, you know, their life changes and they get in different seasons of their life. They, they feel, um, they feel different than that identity. And so we see, Oh, well, I was an athlete, but if you look at me now, like we start to get body image issues because we think that's the, that's the way I'm supposed to be.
Right. So what are, how do I say this the right way? Um, what, what are other people saying out there that. You might want to help parents reframe when it comes to teaching kids about growth mindset. That's a big question, I know. So, you mean, what are people saying? What might people, what might parents be seeing out there?
Or, or why, I guess, maybe even the question is like, [00:13:00] why is it a problem for me to say, like, To say you're smart. My kid is smart. You know, why is, why are you kind of explaining it to us in this way? Right. So, as I said, the intention behind saying you're smart, you're a great athlete, like you're so proud of them.
It's just, it does start to put labels on them. Even if they're positive, right? Actually, studies have shown and, um, Huberman, he talks about this specifically, these specific studies where especially if your child is doing well at something, it is the most harmful to put those labels on them, especially when they're doing well.
So even more than if your child is struggling on something, if they're doing well, because it sets up that comparison. So, I need to be the best in my class. I [00:14:00] need to, you know, I need to score this many touchdowns. So, essentially what it does is, It labels them, even if it's in a really positive way, and that can have ripple effects on what they're willing to be open to throughout their whole lives.
So I see so many, so many very bright children in my classes who, and I just labeled them as bright, but I wouldn't say that to them, who have all of this potential and They're literally getting kind of the bare minimum of marks and their parents are like, I know they can do more, but they are so afraid to try those challenge questions, even attempt something to show that they can do it because they're afraid.
What if I can't? Because they're like, I got to show that I'm smart. So it really [00:15:00] does. impact often what they're willing to engage in. And sometimes they miss out on opportunities. They just aren't willing to even try something because, what if I'm not good at it? And they're getting that feedback, potentially from home, maybe some from teachers, from peers, and things like that, right?
Definitely. And I think, you know, within teachers, growth mindset is a lot more common. So I do know, you know, a lot of teachers who try to adjust their language in this way. I just find that it hasn't made its way as much into the home. And if you think your child has one year with a teacher who really uses growth mindset language, I wish it was enough, but if it was enough, I would still be full time teaching instead of now I'm part time teaching and doing this.
So you guys need to know this stuff because you're [00:16:00] with your child their whole life and mindsets can be changed. There's so much research on how the brain is malleable, how mindsets can be changed even as adults, so much easier as children and teenagers. They can be shifted. So even if you did one of these things over time, even if you did yet, and that's the only thing you ever did, you would be making a positive difference to your child's mindset.
I love that. And we're going to go a lot deeper in your masterclass that I'll share about later. But, um, I kind of want to do a little bit of a coaching session if you don't mind, because yeah, I love you. I'm the mom. I'm that mom. I'm sitting here going, okay, what should we do? My kids are very bright. They actually are very smart kids.
Um, and they're, they're doing really well in school. You know, their, their scores are really [00:17:00] high and they're good at a lot of things. And I think every parent is saying this to themselves, right? And, and so I'm, I'm literally telling my kids, like, you're so good at math and you're doing great at reading and you're an awesome skier.
And that's, I love that, um, picture that you created, right? Coach me, what might be a better approach to helping my kids get a growth mindset? Maybe what am I doing wrong? Right? Maybe what I'm not doing as well and what I could do better. Okay. Definitely. And this is coming with so much love. Yes. And I think everyone here will kind of, I hope they can see themselves in this position.
That's my goal is like, what is, you know, where are you attaching some of this identity and some of this praise to your kid that might not be helping them and let's course correct a little bit and find a little, a path to help them. And I [00:18:00] thought this might be helpful if we had a real life example. Yeah, definitely.
So one thing to do is it's so you're so proud of them. And so they bring home a math test and they get 100 percent and you're like, wow, amazing, like great score. Like, you're so good at math. Shifting it to slowly over time, like if you do a 180 on your kids, they're going to be like, what happened? Like yesterday my mom said my math was good and then today it's not about the marks, right?
Like you can't do a 180, but just slowly over time, start you modeling that you value in them, that. Wow, in order to get that mark in math, you must have been really focused when your teacher was, was teaching. So, you know, not downplaying that they got a good mark, but just saying [00:19:00] like, wow, like you must have been really focused.
And you know what? Sometimes people, they get a math test and they just rush through it and, you know, just hand it in. You must have taken your time and really thought about the different parts of the problem in order to, in order to do that. So starting off, right, you're not just throwing it out, out the window, but valuing that.
piece of what they must have done to, to earn that mark. And I also like to say is start something in your house where like, you know what, everyone, we should all be challenging ourselves, all of us. And so we, we don't compare, like, it doesn't matter to me if you got the best mark in the class, it really doesn't matter to me.
But did. Did you learn something? And did you do better than you did last month? So setting goals against themselves. Like, [00:20:00] doesn't matter if there's 20 kids in your class and you're number one. Like, I care. Are you always trying to improve? And so having the expectation of, you know what, from wherever we are, the goal is always to get better.
And the goal is always to stretch ourselves. So if you can do multiplication in the thousands, well, like, What's your next goal? Like, let's try multiplication in the millions. The goal is always to stretch ourselves, not just to plateau out. And this works with, you know, in a classroom where children are at all different levels.
I never allow them to compare them to each other because In a grade three class, there's a child reading at kindergarten level and there's a child reading at grade eight level. And both of those children should be striving to challenge themselves from where they're at. So just have to kind of slowly change the tone of your family that like, Hey, this is challenging for me, but I'm going to try to [00:21:00] Yeah, and I was just thinking when you were saying that, focus on the, I want to even say gifts.
I was going to say efforts, maybe efforts or gifts. Focus on that versus the identity, right? The effort was you stayed focused, you worked hard versus you are smart. Definitely, 100%. And like, it's true, like, Some children tend to to go towards something like math tends to be maybe sometimes easier for them to pick up But we actually don't want to tell them like this you're so good at this like Right, you're a math person Because I know I've seen this Even when I went to university, some kids in high school who really excelled and they got straight A's when they got to university.
And then there were suddenly things that they couldn't [00:22:00] do, even in their field. So, math, and they go do something in university that's math related. It was soul crushing for them. And I know people who didn't complete university, who in high school were the brightest kids because they couldn't handle when something got hot.
So I like to say like it's all fun and games when they, when they are getting it. But inevitably in life, everybody faces things that they're not gonna be able to do. And so starting to To shift it now to, you know what, something doesn't go our way, and we try a different strategy, or, you know, How are we framing this?
It's not about us, but how are we gonna solve it? I love that. We have a phrase in our house, I can figure it out. And I always tell my kid, you can, kids, you can figure it out. Um, and sometimes that means asking for help, right? You don't always have to [00:23:00] rely on yourself, but you do need to figure this one out for yourself.
And would you agree that that would be a very growth mindset phrase? Totally. I love that. So yeah, saying I can figure it out and, and having the belief that challenges are inevitable, like don't try to hide the fact that there's challenges, even as. Adults, they're inevitable, but they're figureoutable, and you can figure it out whether you're figuring it out or whether you're, you know, being resourceful and seeking outside yourself, but you can figure it out.
I love that. Okay, we've got the kids. We're kind of, we, we, you had a, we had a little coaching session, help me kind of change my approach and I love the simplicity of it, the simplicity and the power, right? It's very little shift for a lot of power to, to then give, almost give that power back to [00:24:00] them. So we have parents here who, you know, want to help their kids build this growth mindset.
Um, give us one. action step that a parent can do to actually start improving their growth mindset that might trickle down to their kids. Totally. A hundred percent. And I know a lot about this because secretly the reason, and I didn't realize this right away. I'm like, I'm passionate about helping kids. It crushes my heart that they're anxious.
Okay. But also over time I realized, Hey, I was that child. And guess what? I'm, I'm that adult. So I was wanting to help these kids. And then meanwhile, I was reading over my report card comments. Literally every report card, I was reading it over like 20 times. Right? Being a [00:25:00] perfectionist, looking for any little mistake or any little spot that a parent could question me about and rereading and rereading.
So over time I started realizing, hey, I kind of, my mindset is fairly fixed in some areas because what would that say about me if I had a spelling mistake on a, on a report card? So one thing I I started doing is modeling it. So if I wanted kids to believe that mistakes were okay, like mistakes are a part of it.
It's how we learn. I started modeling my mistakes full on in front of them. Literally, a couple years ago, I ordered the wrong supplies for the entire grade threes. Like all of the grade threes in the school, I attached the wrong order form. None of the kids had books the beginning of the [00:26:00] year because I didn't order them because I attached the wrong thing.
So it would have been so easy for me to say, Oh, you know what? It was backordered. We don't have our books yet or, or not say them. And I'm like, you guys want to know why you have no books. I made this huge mistake and I did not order you books and this is, right? And they're like, oh my goodness and, and so I said to them, I said, why would I tell you this?
This is a very big mistake and it impacts like a hundred kids. So why would I tell you this? And at first they, like, kind of it was crickets, and then one child put up their hand and said, You're telling us about your mistake because you want us to know that it's okay for us to make mistakes. And I'm like, yeah.
So I don't have an illusion anymore with the kids in my [00:27:00] class that I'm perfect. Literally I'll come in and I'll tell them what I'm scared of. I'll say, you know what? I, you know, maybe even this podcast, I had an interview and you know what? I was really nervous. And there was a few parts in the interview that I don't think I said things exactly the way it was feeling in my brain.
And guess what? It's okay. It's okay. And I feel proud that I did it. So it forces you outside your comfort zone, but just you diving into what you're saying. So telling them when you make a mistake, telling them when you're scared and you Do something anyways, and, um, all of that is huge. Yeah, I think it's funny, as a parent, I don't think I've ever thought that my parents, my kids think I'm perfect, or that I don't make mistakes, but I remember as a kid, I kind of thought the same thing as, as about my [00:28:00] parents.
Like, they know everything. They're in charge of me. And so I think it's really helpful to shift that perspective to realize that maybe kids are seeing you in a particular light that you don't realize. And bringing in that, hey, I'm human. I'm just a few years older than you, right? But I still am on my journey and I'm still learning.
And I really appreciate that narration, I guess, that dialogue that we can have in our heads. And also looking for opportunities to teach our kids. I did this, or I'm actually really nervous about this, and it's okay to feel nervous, and I'm still gonna do it, right? I'm still gonna, I'm still gonna try hard, I'm gonna do my best effort, and I might mess up, and gosh, I just think, it's one of those things, it makes so much logical sense when we say it out loud, but we don't often think about it.
when we're in the hustle of parenting and life. And so I really appreciate you bringing that into the [00:29:00] discussion and how much it ripples into everything. It reminds us, right? When we are on our own health journey or any sort of goals that we're trying to pursue, being able to switch that narrative to saying, yeah, like.
It's okay for me to acknowledge that I'm scared, or it's okay for me to say, I have failed at this before. I have done this and done this and done this, and I'm struggling and I'm trying, you know, how powerful. I absolutely love that. So thank you for walking us through that. Um, We're going to be diving a lot deeper in your masterclass.
If anyone wants to, um, learn more about how to kind of set yourself, your kids up for, um, that growth mindset success, we're going to be talking about that. But for right now, will you please, um, tell everyone where they can find you if they want to follow along, because I think I speak for everyone that we all want you to be our kids teacher.
So tell us where to follow you and, um, how to get more information. Definitely. [00:30:00] So I'm Miss Shell Mindset everywhere. So M I S S C H E L L E mindset. So my website missshellmindset. com. Instagram is where I'm mostly hanging out. Um, Miss Shell Mindset, Facebook. I also just recently started a YouTube channel and it's for kids.
It's for parents to show their kids the videos and it has little clips. Two children from a teacher. So I did a whole thing on the, you know, going back to school from a teacher, what your teacher wants you to know. I just posted another one, um, the other day about if you're nervous to put up your hand in class.
So, uh, that's newer, but I'm gonna add way more videos. So those are really good for kids and sometimes just coming from a teacher saying, Oh, this is a teacher and you know, your teacher would want you to know this is really helpful. So. Oh my [00:31:00] goodness, I will be hitting the subscribe button for sure, my kids will actually love that.
So thank you so much for bringing your expertise, sharing some, some really small, simple, powerful shifts with us today. Thanks for having me. It's like, you can tell I love talking about this. So thanks for having me. Do you want to take a minute? Yeah, I'll delete some of those slides and kind of just keep the, the good stuff in there.
Okay. I'll just, yeah, I'll just turn off audio video. And let me know kind of when you're ready or whatever. Okay, same.[00:32:00] [00:33:00] [00:34:00] [00:35:00]
I'm all good when you are. Okay, I'm here. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, you should just be able to share and then you just go for it and [00:36:00] then like if I, if I have anything to interject, I probably won't, but, um, we'll just go to that point. Are you, you're still recording? Yeah. Mm hmm. I like keep it on because I'm too nervous to not record it.
Oh, totally. Yeah. Are you going to do an introduction or should I just start chatting? Yeah, introduce yourself, just be like, you know, cause this is, they'll, they'll probably find you obviously through the podcast so that hopefully, but they might not know who you are, you know, they might already been, be in there and be like, Oh, this is a cool masterclass I want to watch.
So just give them a little like bio. What's the best view? This is great for me. Okay. Good. All right. So,
I am so excited to share with you the feedback formula. All about [00:37:00] language that's going to build your kid's confidence. I'm Michelle Blay. You can find me It's everywhere as Miss Shell Mindset on Instagram, my website. My email is connectatmissshellmindset. com so you can find me in all those places. So, one really important thing that I've found being an educator and helping children develop a growth mindset and helping children build confidence is that I've seen huge growth in children.
in their confidence, their willing to willingness to try new things throughout the 10 years that I have had them in my classroom with these exact strategies I'm going to share with you. What I have also found though is if the parents do not know these same strategies, inevitably the child is going [00:38:00] to regress because They get a new teacher the next year.
They go on to middle school and high school. And if their parents don't know these very important strategies, then it's not helping them in the long term. So, I have determined that parents are really the ones who are going to create long term change in their children. And so I'm so excited that you're here, and I can't wait to share these tips with you.
So let's dive in. There are two kinds of mindsets according to Dr. Carol Dweck. If you ever hear the term growth mindset, it was actually Dr. Carol Dweck who began the research on this and coined the term. Someone with a fixed mindset, um, they give up easily if something's challenging for them. Versus a growth mindset, they persist when they get stuck on something.
So this would be the child in my [00:39:00] classroom who is like, Oh, I just need a. few more minutes to solve this math problem. They're in it for the learning. Sometimes people with a fixed mindset, both adults and children, this is not just for children, they have difficulty accepting feedback, whereas somebody with a growth mindset, they actually seek out feedback and they're using it to improve.
Those with a fixed mindset, often their highest value is being seen as Smart, whereas somebody with a growth mindset, they value effort and hard work and someone with a fixed mindset, they believe that intelligence is static. So they believe, you know what? I was born a math person and I'm just not a reading person.
Whereas somebody with a growth mindset, they believe that intelligence can be developed, so they see the potential in, in trying new things and learning new skills and where it can go. [00:40:00] And my most favorite way to describe a growth mindset is the ability to distance your identity from challenges that you may be facing.
Now, isn't this What we want for our children and ourselves, but we want our kids. We know life's challenging. We know they're going to have massive difficulties and challenges as every human does, but what if they could distance who they are from those difficulties and dive into solving the problems headfirst without thinking, Oh, this means that I'm not smart.
This means that I'm not good enough. So I'm so excited to share these strategies with you. So this is just a really quick graph where it talks about so much research that shows that intelligence is only around 25%. It only predicts around [00:41:00] 25 percent of people's success later in life. And the rest is mindset, perseverance and grit.
And these are all things I'm going to give you specific. strategies to talk about. The first one is so simple. So, If you think of something that you don't know how to do and say it out loud to the person next to you or just out loud to yourself, for me, I live in Canada and I don't know how to ski. When I say it to myself, it sounds so shocking, like, I don't know how to ski.
But if I say the exact same phrase and add the word, Yet on the end of it, it completely changes the whole vibe of the phrase. So if I say, I don't know how to ski yet, it sends a signal to, to my brain that. But I could take lessons, and I could learn how to ski. So I want you to start experimenting with adding the word yet [00:42:00] when your children say they can't do something, or when you're about to tell your child that there's something that you haven't been able to do.
So instead of saying, I can't ride a bike, have them say, I can't ride a bike yet. Or, I'm, I'm not a good soccer player. I'm not a good soccer player yet. Or they're in school and something doesn't make sense. This just doesn't make sense. Well, it doesn't make sense yet. It helps them feel like this is figureoutable.
Right? It doesn't make sense yet, but it doesn't mean we'll never figure it out. Or I'm not good at multiplication. Well, I'm not good at multiplication yet. So this one little tip, if this is the only thing you did, you would see So much growth in your Children over time, just from even making this one simple change.
I [00:43:00] really like this quote. It says the way we talk to our Children becomes their inner voice. So there are various components to helping your child build a growth mindset. The one we're going to talk about today is your the way you praise them and the way you offer feedback. So we're going to get into that.
Okay, you might not want to it. You might not want to hear this, but this is said with the most love. There's a few common examples of praise that can actually be problematic for children. And one of them is, you are so smart, you are a natural at that, you're talented, or you're a great athlete. So I'm going to get into why these can be problematic, but more importantly, I'm going to show you exactly what to say instead.
And that's all about identity praise and process praise. [00:44:00] So we really want to focus on process praise when we're praising our children. And again, the growth mindset. We want our kids to have the ability to distance who they are from mistakes they might make or things that might happen to them. So identity praise, that's focusing on who the child is, such as labeling them as Smart, talented, or gifted.
So it feels so good at the time when you are saying this to your child. And I trust me, I know you have the best intentions when you say this. So this is sent with total love, but when you do this, it actually attaches. So if kids hear that they're an intelligent person, an excellent athlete, then they have a lot to lose because their identity is actually attached to that.
So if my parents call me smart all the time and they [00:45:00] love me because I'm smart, what if I fail? What would that mean? What would that mean about me? Whereas process praise, this is the praise I want to really guide you into using with your children, with your teenagers. It's more focused on the effort they put in, their strategies, and their perseverance.
It's all about how the child achieved their results. It focuses on problem solving and the strategies they used. So we're praising the process of how they got there instead of the outcome. So a really common example would be if your child brings home a great math test. Instead of saying, Wow, you are so good at math.
Say something like, I love how hard you worked through those tricky problems. So you're focusing on. If they got a great math test, what must they have been doing in order to achieve that? So taking their [00:46:00] time, focusing in class, working hard on the problems. Process praise, it encourages a growth mindset.
So it helps kids see that their abilities can actually improve through hard work and that Effort leads to mastery. It builds resilience because challenges are going to arrive, things are going to happen. And so children who are actually praised for their effort are more likely to persist with something even when things get tough.
So they're not afraid to fail because they actually see failure as just a part of learning. So if I fail, I'm not a failure, I'm just learning and I'm just improving. It creates a love of learning. They start to see that learning is fun, and learning is a journey. It's not just the destination of getting the mark, but it's the learning that's exciting and fun.[00:47:00]
It shows that kids who, research shows that kids who receive process praise are more likely to engage more deeply in learning, and over time, even into adulthood, achieve much better outcomes. So here's a few more specific scenarios. So, your child brings home an assignment with a perfect score, maybe it's a science project, instead of saying, you're so good at science, say, you must have worked really hard and have been focusing in class in order to.
Maybe you see your child struggling with something, a puzzle or a task, and they keep trying. So just capture these moments when you see them persisting. So instead of saying, wow, you're a natural problem solver, they're working on this puzzle. Say, I'm really impressed by how you [00:48:00] didn't give up. Even when it got hard, that persistence really paid off.
So you're not saying you're such a great problem solver. You're saying, wow, I saw you persisting and that's what helped you get to that end result. I'm sure we've all had this happen. Your child is working on something and they get frustrated and then And they might say, you know what, I'm just not good at this.
So instead of jumping in and saying, but you're so smart. You're great at math. Say I know this is hard, but I can see you're putting in the effort and that is what will help you get better.
This one is so. So, so, so common, especially if you have younger kids, your child shows you a drawing that they made and asks, do you like it? [00:49:00] So instead of saying, wow, you are such an amazing artist, say, I can tell that you spent a lot of time on that. I love how you added all of those details and tried different colors.
So you're actually taking the time to focus in on what they created and specific things that they did that they put effort into.
So then how can we actually make the shift? Here's just a few tips to help you out. So the first one is catching them in the process. So, pay attention when your child is working on something, and when you see them persist, when you see them use a specific strategies, a specific strategy, make sure you comment on what you see them doing.
Like, wow! You erased that. You erased that answer [00:50:00] three times and you kept working on it. That's awesome. And the other thing that's really important is to make sure that we're avoiding comparison. Don't ever compare your child to others, even positively. It is so much more important that they see their own.
But it's also about your child's own progress and not how they measure up to peers. So a lot of research even shows that when you compare your child to others, especially if they're doing well, it actually puts It's even more pressure on them to maintain this, um, this identity of being smart. So you focus on where are you right now and what's your next goal?
They bring home, you know, a great report card and you say, wow, what do you feel like you've improved on from last time? [00:51:00] Where have you grown? What have you learned since last time? You know what? I bet you. There's only a few kids in your class that have set a great report card like this. You're taking everyone else out of the equation and just focusing on your child and their growth.
So is there ever a scenario where identity praise is okay? And the answer is actually yes. So if you're going to praise your child about something about themself, use it to praise Something about them that's related to their perseverance or their hard work. So if you say to them, I know you are really, I mean, if it's true, I know you're a really hard worker or you're the kind of, you're the kind of guy who you keep trying, even when things are hard, I really noticed that about you.
Or [00:52:00] I notice that you're always willing to try new things. So in that case, um, it's, it's okay in those cases to give them a little bit of identity praise. So just for a minute, I want you to take a few seconds and think about something that's so ingrained in you because your parents said it all the time.
And I know, I know you have these things, like one of those where you hear yourself say something and you're like, I'm becoming my mom, because your mom said it all the time. So some examples could be, money doesn't go on, grow on trees. So your, your mom or your dad or somebody said it all the time, it's kind of ingrained in you.
Or the early bird gets the worm. One of those little phrases that, that somebody said to you all the time. And so I really want you to look at. it this [00:53:00] way. Those times when you say to yourself, I'm becoming my mother, or, oh my gosh, I said this, I sound like my mother. Those things were said around you so much when you were a child that it essentially got programmed into you.
So either way, you're programming your child every single day, but I really want you to carefully choose the things that you say. Choose them wisely so that Those things that become ingrained in your child, it's ingraining them with positivity, hope, and growth mindset thinking, instead of negativity and fixed mindset thinking.
So, what I want you to do is today, When you get off this call or even right now, I want you to pick your new catchphrase that you're going to say so often that your child is going to grow up and say this to their children [00:54:00] and their children are gonna say it to their children. You're going to, this is gonna be the thing that you say and It's going to be, yeah, forever.
So maybe trying new things is fun or challenges help us learn. So every time something difficult happens to you, to them, you say, you know what? Challenges help us learn. Practice makes progress. Now, I never ever say practice makes perfect. We don't want them to strive for perfection. We want them to strive to grow and improve, not be perfect.
Never give up. If something doesn't work, try something new. And this one is Every child who's ever been in my class has seen me write this on the board, write the word fail and say the word fail just means first [00:55:00] attempt in learning. So it doesn't have to be one of these, but pick a very positive growth mindset phrase that you're going to start saying starting today.
immediately. So one quick thing we also really need to remember is that true process praise focuses on just that, the process and not the outcome. So not on winning, not on getting the right answer, but on the process of going through it. So here's some examples of Outcome praise versus process praise. So saying, wow, you got everything right.
Instead of saying that you could say you must have been really focused and showed persistence with those problem in soccer. Wow. You scored. three goals. So that's the outcome of what happened. You could say your [00:56:00] hustle and practicing is really paying off. And then notice something that you saw them doing.
I noticed that you were getting out there in the open and making yourself available to receive the pass. Wow. You got the highest mark in the class. Say, you really earned that score with your hard work. I know you've really been studying and you really earned that score. Or in a sports, a sports game, you won every game.
You could say your team is working so well together and looking for opportunities to score. Now there's three S's. This is diving even deeper into praise. And now, again, I do not want you to feel overwhelmed by this. I want you to look at the fact that even if you try one of these strategies, one of these strategies once in a [00:57:00] while, You are already helping your kids.
This, we're not striving for perfection, but I am going to dive in a little deeper with praise because certain components will register with certain people more. So, um, we're going to talk about the three S's of praise, which is praising sparingly. Specifically and sincerely. So, there's this common belief out there that the more we praise kids, the more confident that they're going to become.
But the research actually tells a really different story. So, here's what can actually happen when we overpraise. So it can lower the bar. So when we praise children too much, just for everything they do, we praise them, praise them, praise them, they can start to feel like very average or even below average effort, [00:58:00] um, is exceptional.
So over time, it actually reduces their motivation because they're, they're being praised for everything that they do. Sometimes it can actually cause them to become a little bit addicted to praise. So they start doing things, not because they enjoy doing them, but because they crave the approval. They want to get this praise from their parents and they want to get the praise for their teacher.
So one thing that can really happen is this can actually lead to people pleasing. As adults, we don't want our kids to seek outside sources outside of themselves for validation. We want them to trust their own judgment.
Praising sparingly, it actually builds their intrinsic motivation. So it [00:59:00] allows them to develop that internal drive to go after and do tasks for their own sake, rather than just doing them for external rewards. Like praise, praising sparingly only when it's, it's actually deserved is if you don't hand out praise for every single thing, kids begin to recognize when they've truly earned it and encourages them to challenge themselves to put more effort and to try new things.
It creates really authentic confidence when praise is meaningful. It teaches kids to trust their own abilities and efforts instead of relying on constant compliments to push them forward. Praising really specifically is more meaningful [01:00:00] because it actually shows that you're paying attention to the details of what they did.
So you're not just saying, Oh, great job. You're saying great. Wow. Great hard work. I saw there that with the puzzle you tried. That's very important for that piece to fit. And there are different, I think there's four different times to find where that piece fit. So it shows them that you're actually paying attention to what they're doing.
And that goes a long way with your relationship with them as well. So like I said, instead of giving really general praise and just saying great job, say, I noticed and how you. Keep trying different ways to solve that puzzle until you got it. That's perseverance. So it's very important to only praise when it's sincere.
So I have to tell you, 18 years working with kids and I'm telling you that kids [01:01:00] know when they haven't done well. They know when they've Put out a product that they are very proud of and when they haven't. So when kids receive insincere praise, especially when they know they haven't actually done well, they can begin to mistrust this praise and it can actually lower their self-esteem.
So kids. pick this up, right? And they can start to feel like, Oh, like, why would my mom lie to me? Why would my mom say that this was great
now again? And I want to go back to keep reinforcing for you that I know that everything you're doing is with the best intentions. So it's not about, Oh, I say that's great all the time. It's not saying that's wrong. It's just saying how more power, how much more powerful is it going to be when you start Giving [01:02:00] specific praise and sincere praise.
Um, Sincere praise really builds trust between the parent and the child. So the child knows that when you say something positive, it's because they've genuinely earned it. Here are some more real life scenarios. So this is so common. Your child finishes a homework assignment and they show it to you, and instead of just saying, great job, Say, I noticed how you took your time with that math problem and really thought through each step.
Maybe your child, you see them make a big mistake. Maybe it's during a sports game and they make a mistake, but they just keep trying instead of saying, nice work. Say, I saw how you didn't give up after that miss. That persistence is really what makes a great [01:03:00] player.
So this one is so common. It happens to parents all the time and to teachers. Your child shows you a drawing that they made and instead of just saying it's beautiful
on something about that drawing and say, I love how you used so many different colors to create this picture. You really put thought into those details. So here's the thing. With the picture thing, sometimes you actually don't even need to praise at all. So they show you, Mommy, I made you this picture and they're holding it up with a smile.
Something you can do if You that doesn't actually even involve praising is just smiling, right? Give them a huge smile for making that for you. Say thank you. Thank [01:04:00] you so much for making this for me. That was so thoughtful of you. Or just give them, give them a big hug, right? It's a way of thanking them for making it for you without having to get into the details about, about it.
So the really important key takeaway is less is more when it comes to praise. So by using praise sparingly, Focusing on specific behaviours and really making sure that our praise is sincere, we help our kids build confidence and motivation that actually comes from within them. Our words have the power to shape how our kids are going to see themselves going forward.
And so we want to do it thoughtfully. [01:05:00] So I have some action steps for you. I already mentioned the first one, which is picking your new catchphrase. What's this phrase that you're going to be saying all the time? That your kids are going to remember when they have kids. I want you to try to track your process praise.
So I want you to, you know, pay attention for a couple days and notice. when you are giving them this process praise. That will help you be cognizant of when you are doing it and maybe when you could improve with the frequency with which you're doing it. And I would love it if you sent me a message on Instagram with your biggest takeaway.
I would love to hear what resonated most with you. This only helps me improve my presentations and share it with More people. So thank you so much for being here. I hope you have an amazing day [01:06:00] Thank you. I had one question that came up as you were going throughout this, which it was so good. I have so many takeaways myself, and I think a lot of anyone that watches it will.
Is there anything different that you do with teens, or is it very similar? It's, it's very similar. Um, but yeah, it, it'll take more time with teens. Right. And like, they're going to also call you out on it if you do a 180. Whereas like if your child is six, they might not notice that like one day we have a new family motto and it's we never give up, but like your teens are going to call you out.
Right. So for that reason, I would say it absolutely will make a huge difference. But yeah, they'll, you do a 180, they'll be like, What's going on. And so it tends to just need to be more gradual and it takes more time, but like adults can change their mindsets. I'm the perfect [01:07:00] example of that. Um, and so can teens.
So, it takes less time with younger kids, but completely. Okay. Yeah. Similar process, but a little bit more patience as we get older. Teaching a dog, old dog new tricks, right? Another thing too is, especially with older kids, is just level with them. And say, like, Life's tough. Like, things are not going to just get easier for you as you get older.
And so, hey, I learned about all this really cool research about growth mindset. And so you could say, I'm going to start Doing some of these things and I'm going to start expecting some of these things from you and I'm doing it because I love you and You know, this is this is gonna set you self set you up for adulthood Right?
So, so kind of [01:08:00] leveling with them and saying, look, like things don't get easier, but my job is to help prepare you to be the person who's going to have things happen to them and keep going and thrive. So I think you can level more with teens on that. Even, I got to tell you, even with little kids, I also level with them and I tell them.
You know what? I know you don't want to keep trying on this. I know you would rather give up. I'm not gonna let you give up. And it's because I care about you. And it's because I want you to see you can get through this. Because as you get older, you're gonna remember that you got through this. And then the next and the next.
So I level with little kids too, but I love that. Well, thank you so much for sharing with us. Definitely. It was so fun.
